March 19, 2016. The Day Randy Died

Randy came home from work that day and was still suffering from his depression. The meds that he had started on 5 days ago had not kicked in yet so not much had changed with his mood. He was still very down.

He came home, took a shower and went to lay down on the couch. I was putzing around the house, making dinner and planning on doing some yardwork since the weather was decent. I came upstairs to find Randy had moved from the couch to lay down in the bedroom. I knelt down by the bed and started to talk to him. It was clear that he was still hurting so I asked him if he felt that it was time to go to the hospital and he answered "No." I turned off the light and left the bedroom thinking he might go to sleep. That was the last time I saw him alive.

All of the kids were home except for Jordan who was at work. I went outside to do some yardwork. I was frustrated and angry that Randy wasn't improving. We had started him on Zoloft, I was giving him supplements and natural foods to help and his mood wasn't improving. Than Courtney came out to see me and asked "What is dad doing?" I answered that I didn't know and asked why. She said "I heard like a yelling and than a loud noise like he was kicking something." I told her I would check and went inside.

I started looking for Randy downstairs, on the couch, in the kitchen etc. I than walked upstairs to the bedroom. He wasn't in bed, so I looked in every other room in the house including the basement. Still no Randy. His car was still in the driveway so I knew he hadn't left and now I am running through the house rechecking rooms and looking in closets. As I was passing through the bedroom one more time my eye caught the bathroom door slightly agar. I happened to see the camouflaged gun holder laying on the sink. I opened the bathroom door to see nothing but the shower curtain pulled shut, the empty gun holster on the sink and a note. I pulled the shower curtain open and found Randy, my husband of 20 years and the father of my 4 children lying in the bathtub with a single gun shot to the chest, dead.

I started screaming as I slammed the bathroom door shut and locked it. I did not want the kids to see their dad like this. Thank God I had my cell phone on me. I was kneeling by the bathtub while I called my friend Paula still screaming and crying hysterically. She said that her and her family were on their way to us. The kids must have heard me screaming because Nicole started banging on the door and asked to come in. I told her no. I learned later that she called her friend Bryce and my son Jordan to come to the house. I knew Paula was coming but I couldn't be alone in that bathroom so I called my parents and told them. When I was on the phone with my dad Jordan came home and was banging on the door threatening to break it down. I yelled in the loudest mom voice I could muster lying on the bathroom floor, feet barring the door in case he started pounding on it, for him to "Go Downstairs!!!! You are not coming in here." It worked because he went downstairs with the rest of the kids.

Paula called to say that she, her husband Dan and their son Bryce were at the house. I left the bathroom, closed the door and we did the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, we told my children that their dad had shot himself in the chest. Than we called the police.

The police showed up, found that their was no foul play with his cause of death. As I was answering their questions I kept repeating "How can this be happening?" 4 days prior to Randy had assured me that he was going to be ok. When I expressed that I was worried he would hurt himself he looked me in the eyes and said that he would never hurt himself. He would never do that to me and the kids. And now here we are.

This is being written 5 years later, March 19, 2021 and it still hurts just as much now as it did than.

If you are feeling that you are a burden to your family, life would be better without you and you want to end your life........please don't. There is an abundance of help for you. Please muster up the strength to find it and do the things you need to do to live your life again. The voices can be quieted. If you don't know where to start call the

National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255.

If you decide to take your life you will send your family, friends and loved ones into an emotional hell on earth. Some of your loved ones will follow your example and kill themselves, some will live but never recover emotionally, some will turn to drugs, alcohol or other addictions to cope with the trauma and some will learn how to cope with the never-ending pain. Please don't put your circle of people into a life of never-ending pain.

So there is the story of Randy Paul Pergl's last day on earth. March 19, 2021.

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